Preparing Your Relationship for Parenthood

[00:00:02] Shalom. Jacob Sager here, father of five and still working on my relationships with everyone every day. Today we're talking about something crucial, how to prepare your partnership for the big changes ahead. Because let's face it, parenthood is going to shake things up. Let's talk about how to keep your relationship strong through it all. There's a beautiful concept in jewish tradition called shalom Baytan, or if you're really Ashkenazi, shalom bais. It means peace in the home. Now, this isn't just about avoiding arguments. It's about creating a harmonious, loving environment. [00:00:38] Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, a prominent 20th century thinker, expanded on this idea. He said, when I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people. [00:00:51] I think this wisdom is particularly relevant as we prepare for parenthood. [00:00:56] I think this is particularly relevant as you prepare for parenthood. Being a parent will age you and turn you into an old person in many ways very quickly. And it's not going to be the cleverness or the hot sexiness that got you when you were young that's going to help strengthen your relationship. In those moments where you're covered in spit up and are sleep deprived, it's kindness, patience, mutual support. [00:01:23] Becoming parents is like getting on a rollercoaster you can't get off. It's thrilling, terrifying. It's gonna hurt your back and will probably make you just a little bit crazy. But here's the thing. You're strapped in together. Your relationship is the safety bar that's keeping you both secure through all the twists and turns. [00:01:43] So let me share like a bit more personally. During our first pregnancy, my wife and I actually really grew in our relationship. And having just one child, we were growing in our communication. But at a certain point between our second and fourth child, our relationship had a lot of breakdowns, and we needed to return to thinking of our relationship as an active part of our life that we invest into and think about and talk about and work on in order to make it through the realities and requirements of our daily life, as well as reinvigorate the love and vision we have for our relationship and the family that we have built as a result of that relationship. So how do we prepare our relationships for this wildwide that comes with having a child? Let's break it down. First. Communication is key, and I'm not just talking about discussing whose turn it is to change diapers. Talk about your fears, your expectations, your hopes for parenthood, the man that you want to be and be held accountable for being. Be honest about what scares you and what excites you. And listen. Really, really listen. Two, division of responsibilities. This isn't about splitting chores 50 50. It's about recognizing each other's strengths and supporting each other's weaknesses. It's about remembering that every day everyone has a different amount of energy based off of everything else thats been required of them. Sometimes you have to show up more, even though you have less energy because your partner needs you, your child needs you. Maybe youre great at midnight feedings but terrible at laundry. It just doesnt matter. You show up and you also work out a system that plays to both of your strengths and getting things done that both of you hate. [00:03:39] Three, maintain intimacy. [00:03:42] I'm not a sex counselor, can't tell you how to do it. And I'm not just talking about a sex, though that's important. And you know, you keep at it and get to it when it's healthy. I'm talking about emotional intimacy as well. Find ways to stay connected that don't revolve around the baby. Maybe it's a daily check in over coffee or cup of wine or a weekly date night, even if it's just watching a movie after the baby's asleep. Talk about the baby, get it out of the way, talk about whatever else. And then remember who you are and who you always love. And be those people and see her as that and talk to her as that and bring that out because you both need that. You need to be yourself always, and your child needs that too. [00:04:30] Fourth, support each other's individual growth. Becoming parents doesn't mean you stop being individuals. Encourage each other to maintain friendships, hobbies and personal goals. A happy individual makes for a happy parent and a loving partner. Five, be a team. Remember, you're not in competition with each other. You're on the same team, working towards the same goal. A happy, healthy family. Parenthood, particularly in its early stages, is prone to bring up a lot of depression, anxiety and anger because everyone is dealing with something they've never dealt with before and it's crying all the fucking time. So it just takes like a lot of compassion and a lot of showing up for each other. You're a team. You're both going through something that's not easy and not for everyone. [00:05:19] So that brings us to number six. Practice forgiveness. You're both going to make mistakes. You're both going to have moments of frustration, exhaustion, and maybe even resentment. You're both going to say the f word at each other. Learn to forgive quickly and generously. You love each other. That's how we got here. Remember, your relationship is the foundation of your family. By strengthening your partnership, you're creating a stable, loving environment for your child to grow in. So here are three things you can do this week to start preparing your relationship for parenthood. First, have a state of the union conversation with your partner. Yep, it's always start with a conversation with your partner. Talk about your hopes and fears for parenthood and how you can support each other. [00:06:03] Second, start a relationship scrapbook. Write down the memories you've had together before you had kids because they're not coming back. And it's worth going back. And just having those is something you can do to appreciate and remember that your relationship is an ongoing story, with new chapters all the time. [00:06:25] Third, start a new tradition together that's just for the two of you. Maybe it's a daily walk or a special weekly meal. Having something that's just the two of you that you tell her that you want to do just because you want to be with her, that you'll keep at even after the baby comes, is a meaningful investment in your relationship. As we wrap up, I want you to think about this. How can you be the partner you want to have during the challenges of new parenthood? Remember, the strongest families are built on partnerships of mutual respect, support, and love, not perfect dads who do everything. [00:07:03] This is Jacob Sager reminding you that while parenthood might change your relationship, it won't weaken it. If you work on it with intention and effort, it can make your bonds stronger than ever. Shalo, I'll see you next time.