Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Shalom, and welcome to new jewish dad. I'm Jacob Sager, father of five. And today we're going to talk about a tough prenatal testing. It's a subject that brings up a lot of emotions and ethical questions. Let's talk about how to approach this. As a jewish father, you know, our tradition places a high value on preserving life and health. There's a concept in jewish law called kuach NeFesh, the principle that preserving human life overrides virtually any other religious rule. It comes from the TAlmuD, which teaches that saving a life is saving an entire world. But her tradition also recognizes the complexity of these situations and has the utmost respect and concern for the mother and her dignity and her choices. The Rabbis have long debated questions about quality of life, about our obligations to the unborn, and about the emotional and physical health of the mother. There's no one size fits all answer to any single pregnancy. No pregnancy is the same. No life is the same. No couple is the same. What we do have is a framework for thoughtful decision making, one that values life and also recognizes the nuances of each situation.
[00:01:20] So prenatal testing, it's a reality of modern pregnancy, but it's not a simple one. These tests can provide valuable information about your baby's health and about mommy's health, and they can also lead to difficult decisions and a lot of anxiety. So let's break down what we're talking about. There are screening tests which assess the risk of certain conditions, and diagnostic tests which can detect specific genetic disorders. Your doctor will likely offer certain tests based on factors like maternal age, family history, and previous pregnancies. As a dad to be, your role here is crucial. You're not just a bystander. You're a partner in this process, and you need to be informed and engaged.
[00:02:03] Start by educating yourself. Learn about the different tests available. I'm not a medical expert. I have not listed any here, because you need to go and learn about this. You need to learn what they detect and what the results might mean, and some of the decisions or questions that your doctors will post to you after you take these tests. Don't rely on your partner to explain everything to you. And don't put her in a position where she's going to feel anxiety about needing to know everything herself. Show up to appointments with questions. Don't take the lead. Be a partner. Now, here's the heavy part.
[00:02:40] What do you do with the information that these tests provide?
[00:02:43] This is where your values come into play. As jews, we have a tradition that values life immensely. But we also have a tradition of wrestling with difficult ethical questions. And we value the choices and beliefs of our wives over everything else. You and your partner need to have some deep conversations.
[00:03:04] What would you do if a test came back indicating a problem? How would you define quality of life? What resources do you have emotionally, financially, in your community to support a child with special needs? These are heavy questions, I know, but facing them together before you're in a crisis situation can strengthen your partnership and help make decisions that align with your values. Remember, there's no shame in seeking guidance.
[00:03:32] Talk to your rabbi. Consult with your doctors. Reach out to other parents who have been through this. Gathering knowledge and perspectives can help you feel more prepared for whatever comes. But it's about you and your wife. It's about her body. It's about your child. It's about the choices that you will make together. And that is sacred. That's beautiful, and nobody else owns that or gets to choose that. For you, for my wife, and for me. We've been through this a couple of times now. We know what we want. We know what we want to know, and we know what we don't want to know. We built a rapport with our doctors and our midwife. We faced the heartbreak of a miscarriage and a stillbirth. And through all of that, we've had to have some really tough, really honest conversations. We've had to examine our values, our hopes, our fears.
[00:04:23] We've had to think about what quality of life means to us, what we feel we could handle as parents and as a family.
[00:04:32] It hasn't been easy, but it brought us closer, and it's given us clarity and closeness in the same spot now. So when our daughter, when we were pregnant with our daughter last year and prenatal testing came up, we went into it as a team, and we knew exactly what we wanted to know and deal with, and nothing. We know how we handle different outcomes, should they have occurred. And most importantly, we know that we're in it together no matter what. We're in to get it together then, and we're in it together now, and we'll be in it together in the future. And that's what I want to impart to you, dad to dad. Do the hard work of having these conversations with your partner. Build that relationship with your medical team. Get clear on your values and your boundaries, and get clear on your wife's rights. Because government is limiting your wife's rights as it comes to your wife's body and her pregnancies, it's not about having all the answers, it's about knowing how you'll approach the questions together.
[00:05:33] So here are three things you can do to navigate prenatal testing thoughtfully. Make a time to talk with your partner about your feelings and values regarding these tests, and don't wait for the doctor to bring it up. And you have to listen. You need to listen to her and what she feels about these tests and what you will find out and any choices you need to make. Make a list of questions for your healthcare provider about everything related to the health of your baby or about your spouse. Should she not be able to answer it for you or you can't find it. And go to the appointments prepared to ask your questions and to listen. And reached out to trusted spiritual advisor, somebody you can trust, another guy, another dad, a rabbi, someone should you feel that there's more ground you need to cover? This can help you ground yourself in the values that you believe in when you have to make real choices.
[00:06:31] Prenatal testing is a modern reality that our ancestors couldn't have imagined. But the values that guide us, preserving life, acting with compassion, facing challenges with both value and reason, these are as old as our people, and the most important thing is our wives and their voices. Trust in those values, love and trust in your partnership with your wife, and be a dad who makes thoughtful decisions, whatever comes your way. You got this. Shalom.
