Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Shalom. It's Jacob Sager here, father of five and still learning every single day. Today we're going to talk about a subject that might make some of us dad.
[00:00:10] Gender expectation and biases. Whether you're finding out your baby's sex or keeping it a surprise, it's worth examining what hopes, fears and assumptions we're bringing to the table about the baby's gender. Alright, let's talk. When I think about gender and expectations, I'm reminded of something that the jewish feminist writer Leti Cotton Pogrevin once said. She wrote, when men are oppressed, it's a tragedy. When women are oppressed, it's tradition now that zinger is going to make us feel uncomfortable. It's supposed to. Pogrebin was challenging us to examine our traditions and our expectations critically, especially when it comes to gender roles. As jewish fathers, we inherit a rich tradition, but we also have the responsibility to question it, to evolve it in our generation. Our job isn't just to pass on our heritage, but to engage with it actively to make it relevant and equitable for our children, regardless of their gender.
[00:01:08] I remember when my first child was born. My wife never wants to know the gender of the child and I wanted to know. And two through five, I got to know privately while she did not know. But for number one, we did not know until the moment he was born. And my mom kept pressing me and my dad kept pressing me because I had family that wanted to know if they should come in for a bris because they weren't going to come in for a baby naming if it was a girl, but they'd come in for a breast. And my wife and I said, like, shouldn't it matter the other way? And my mom said, you know, it should, but that's just how it's gonna go.
[00:01:47] And that just is how it is. And so it's important to know who you want to be and how you want to be and how you want to relate. Because unfortunately, people still make certain reactions that they're going to make. And you need to be positive and grounded and inclusive in the way that you think about it for your family, if you want peace of mind, good mental health, and a house of love. So let's talk about gender expectations. Maybe you're hoping for a boy to carry on the family name or a girl because you think they're easier. Spoiler alert, nobody's easy. These feelings are natural, but it's important to examine them. I remember when we were expecting our first, like, I really wanted a son and I then, at a certain point, because we weren't gonna know, I just realized I had all this, like, weird sense of, like, a dad playing ball with his son, which I, like, love to do with my kid, even particularly with this son. But it was just weird, like, why I was able to look at that and kind of give it up. Why do I care more that I have a son? Like, this is just, like, a person. We want to have a family.
[00:02:57] And, you know, as much as we can and cannot control, we definitely can't control the x's and the y's.
[00:03:07] So the truth is, our kids will surprise us, challenge us, and redefine our expectations, regardless of their gender. Our job is to create an environment where they can flourish as individuals, not as gender stereotypes.
[00:03:21] In jewish tradition, we have examples of strong women and of nurturing men. Think of Deborah, the judge and leader. Or Joseph, who wasnt afraid to cry sitting on his throne in front of his brothers.
[00:03:36] These stories can guide us in raising children who arent limited by gender expectations.
[00:03:41] Here are a few things to consider.
[00:03:44] First, examine your reaction. If you feel disappointment or excessive excitement about your baby's sex. Ask yourself, why.
[00:03:55] Just go deep and look at that.
[00:03:59] Second, think beyond pink or blue. I think this is a pretty easy thing for people in the 2020s, but you got to think about how you can create a nursery, choose toys, or plan activities that aren't necessarily limited by gender stereotypes or are limited by things of that are like a projection of who your child should be in a way that's inauthentic. Now, by that, I don't mean, you know. You know, you're having a boy and you have a. You're gonna design your play space for a boy. There's nothing wrong with that. Or a girl. And to pick blue or pink or to put up certain images or to make things baseball because you love baseball, or zoo because you love animals, it's totally fine to be out there. It's important to just remember these are all images that we're choosing to put out there, and they put a certain energy.
[00:04:53] Consider how you'll talk about gender with your child.
[00:04:57] The words we use shape their understanding of the world. You know, boys gotta be tough. Girls are emotional. These are things that people said to me as a child and said to many in different generations, and it has a lasting impact, and it shapes the person, it shapes the family, it shapes the society. We need to consider these things. We need to consider these things to allow people to have full range of their own self expression. As well as an inclusive perception for others.
[00:05:31] Fourth, look at your own relationship. How do you and your partner model gender roles and equity?
[00:05:38] Remember, our goal isn't to erase gender, but to ensure that it doesn't become a limitation through the things that we have set up in our language, in our traditions, in our household, we want our children to grow into who they are, not who they're expected to be based off of some old social expectation of sex.
[00:06:00] So let's get practical. Here are three things you can do about this this week. First, have a conversation with your partner about your gender expectations and biases. Be honest. Be open, even if it's uncomfortable. Allow them to prod you and get you deeper into what your thoughts are. And then ask them. Be open. It's a conversation. Listen. Hear them for what they have to say, and hear them for how they can shape and mold you. Second, look at your baby registry or shopping list. Are your choices heavily gendered? Whether or not you know the gender, just consider mixing it up. There's so much crap out there, none of what you're really buying matters. You're going to get everything you need to keep your child safe and you comfortable. So just consider mixing it up. Third, read a Jo read a jewish story that challenges traditional gender roles to your unborn child. Its never too early to start expanding their horizons and opening them up to good stories. As we wrap up, heres something to ponder.
[00:07:02] Whats one gendered expectation you grew up with that you dont want to pass on to your child? And on the flip side, whats one positive aspect of your gender experience that you do want to share? Remember, its never about being perfect. Its about being thoughtful. Were not just raising boys or girls, were raising human beings. Future partners, future parents, future jewish leaders. Lets give them the freedom to be fully themselves. This is Jacob Sager reminding you that sometimes the best thing we can expect is to be surprised. Shalom and see you next time.
